I may not have a big book of words named after me but I do have my own definition of "codependency" and it's pretty simple: "needing someone else as much as they need you". Going with my definition instead of the more widely accepted Webster's version makes it easier for me to admit that I have become completely codependent on my daughter.

I don't need her to feed me and change my diapers (although I might ask her to return the favor in my golden years) but I do rely on her as much as she does me for comfort, entertainment, and companionship.

It started out innocent enough. When we first brought her home from the hospital, I adapted to her schedule. When she would sleep, I would sleep. When she was awake, I was awake. I then found that my moods were a direct result of her temperament on a given day. When she was happy, I was happy. If she had a bad day, so would I.

After a few months as a stay-at-home mom, I could see our bond strengthening. I realized I was using my daughter as my personal therapist. I could talk and talk to her about anything and she was such a good listener and never seemed to judge me or give me unsolicited advice. In return, I listened attentively to all of her baby babbling and coos. She also became the person I looked to for comfort when I had a bad day or was feeling down, just as she would look to me when she needed extra loving.

Now, I don't like to leave the house without her, even though it's 10 times more work to take her and even if I know she's in the best of hands. When given the opportunity for adult interaction, she is the first thing I want to talk about. She is the last thing I think about before I go to sleep and the first thing I think about when I wake up.

 

Some people I know might say that I have lost who I am since I became a mom but I think I've actually found who I was meant to be. Without realizing it was even happening, my daughter has become my reason for sleeping/eating/working/living/breathing...and I don't see anything unhealthy about it.