I have decided that one does not need to be able to sing or have any talent at all to be able to have a children’s show on cable TV.
Dora – One question: Where are her parents? I know what you’re thinking, “Um… duh… the grandma!” No! She sees her grandma like once every 20 shows. That is an elderly woman who lives in the woods and makes chocolate all day. There is absolutely no supervision going on there. If there was, I’m certain Dora wouldn’t be hanging out with an Ebola-incubating monkey being chased by a rabid fox who apparently has kleptomania!
Oswald – The epitome of not being able to carry a tune. One time Rosanne Barr sang the national anthem… and then the creator of Oswald got an idea.
Yo Gabba Gabba – Do these people think we’re hard of hearing? Why do they repeat everything 46 times!? And for the last time, I do not, under any circumstance now or in the foreseeable future, want a party in my tummy.
Max & Ruby – Someone needs to teach Ruby how to sit down and shut up. Why is she so bossy!? Look, if Max wants to go play in the snow, then let him play in the snow. And stop taking credit for all his hard work. Without Max you would have never gotten your tent up or scored the soccer goal. And the only reason Roger ever comes over is to play with Max. Everyone knows that! Too bad their parents aren’t around either to teach Ruby how to have a tad bit of nice in her body.
Doodlebops – This show is a medical mystery. You got jaundice, cyanosis, and clubbed fingers. The girl is obviously chock full o’caffeine and aspires to be a pink crayon. It’s like ER for children.
LazyTown – Are they puppets? Are they people? Are they foam? Are they clay? I don’t know, and frankly I’m a little scared. Why is this little girl allowed to dance around the city unsupervised with older men wearing spandex? I don’t get it.
Backyardigans – Slow motion at its worst.
Seriously! If you compare today’s shows to the super awesome He-Man I grew up with... I mean there’s no competition there at all! So instead of letting your kids watch these shows during the day, I propose you take them outside and let them stare at a rock for two hours. Much, MUCH more appealing than these shows.
