Dear Lt.General Fred Eze. Ndu National Special Adviser to the New President Alhaji Umar Musa Yara Dua Federal Republic of Nigeria,

I am the Highness, Director and Curator of the Department of Five Acre Lots Only in Flower Mound, the Republic of Texas, Mr. Kevin to the John Phillips, esq.

I was thrilled to obtain your email offering me the foreign part payment of 5.6 Million USD through an accredited security shipping company for my unpaid contract in service of your government.

Please to excuse me the wasting of some of your precious time, my brother. But I am delighted to inform you that through our computer added softwareness, YOU have to been chosen as our Nigerian contact for the transfer of fundage used to research global warming. How ‘bout them apples?

In exchange for your assistance. In taking the transference to your bank account of twenty four million US dollars a small fee will be granted to your. Self for your assistance. 4 million US dollars. I know this is not a high amount but due to Interpol scrutiny, we have to carefully suggest funds left to pay great citizens such as your own self so we might continue our fight against warm polar ice.

The twenty four million will be coming on bank wire – that is no concern of to you. Your small fee will be looking to find in several partially eaten Nutella jars at the Nigerian airport, locker # 458. Please do not be alarmed by the tall man who meets you at by the locker. At the airport. He is there for safety sake only. He will check your indentification, or you could. Simply send.

It to me now; your choise. If you smartly choose the ladder option, you may email me a copy of your passport and picture ID, address and phone number to this email :

Dontboggart@thething.tx

You will get other emails such as this and know they are not authentic without my personal  asphyxiate on it, thus: &

Please do not fall prey to them and the organization of them. All we need is the information I listed above and the activity can begin to happen with your fee being paid crisply. We indeed have contacted lesser men/women than your excellent abilites, so you must act now in order to act now on this matter of four million US.

Congratulations.     

Best Regards,  

Highness.  

Kevin Phillips, esq 

Republic of Texas

"&"

From today’s Dallas Morning News (10-2-09): “The Obama administration said Thursday it will seek to ban text messaging by (several government-type drivers) and push states to pass their own laws.” Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood said, “Driving while distracted should just feel wrong…we’re not going to break everyone of their bad habits, but we are going to raise awareness.”

I agree that texting while driving isn’t in anyone’s best interest. Make it illegal then, I have no problem with that, but gol-lee did this guy just say something should just feel wrong and that the government is not going to break everyone’s habits (the implication being that they’d sure like to)?

Let’s fire up that crystal ball, shall we?

* * *

February 14, 2010, DMN front page: “The administration today shook its index finger at the country and said, ‘Now…we know it’s Valentine’s Day, but you have her home by 9:30, hear?”

6-28-10 AP wire: “The President’s press secretary commented in this morning’s briefing: ‘Just think…if we do this right, next year your kids will be taking a short ten minute break at this time, and then they’ll get back at that trigonometry through August. Now, if you feel like you want to be good parents, you make sure you push your kids to study hard 24/7 and let’s see if we can put that whuppin’ on those Chinese kids. If, like I said, you want to show us you’re good parents.’

11-14-10 USA Today: “Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack spoke to parents in Kansas City last night: ’As we approach the Thanksgiving season, I wanted to remind you all about the importance of broccoli. Now, we can’t punish you if you don’t cook and serve it– though good (small g so it’s legal) god almighty, we’d love to – we just want to raise the awareness. OK? Don’t make me come check up on you.”

11-19-10: From an advertisement paid for by the office of the Czar of Shopping: “Do you really, really love your significant other? Well, show how much by starting your holiday shopping early this year. Get lots of stuff, which means you love them, and makes us feel like you’re interested in helping the economy out at the same time. Spend money! Heck, we can always print more.”

12-31-10: From the business section of the DMN, “The President traveled to Grady yesterday in an attempt to try and spirit the all-important squash festival away from mayor Nick Nicholson and the residents of Grady. Dr. Benjamin Stone spent about three hours with the two men and though no decision was reached, a bailout for the county’s catfish farm was announced.”

March 11, 2011 Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius and Czar of Food, Rachel Ray, on Oprah: “The administration has empowered this department to send the message that all Americans start eating right. I’ll issue a recipe of the week and good Americans across the land will be strongly encouraged to cook it for supper. Our first dish is a delicious thick, pudding-like savory delight using tomatoes and herbs. It’s an Italian dish I call Moose-a-leany. Mmmm.”

“Oprah, I’ve made some and we can dig in right now; I know the Secretary and I are fascists. I mean famished.”

Random day in 2012: A G-man looks at a guy walking to lunch and says, “Hey! I’m not trying to break you of your bad habit, but stand up straight!”

The object of punishment is prevention from evil; it never can be made impulsive to good. 
_{Horace Mann 1796-1859}