To
my chocolate
heart,
be true
By Jacob Sloan
neighborsgo
Assistant Editor
There’s a lot of pressure that comes along with a holiday
like Valentine’s Day. The holiday hasn’t always been the casual, relationship
staple that it has become for me as of late. Long ago, when I didn’t have the
suave abilities that I now … well, still lack … I ran into more than one sticky
situation come V-day.
Despite my argument that you should never be stressed when
you still have recess in the middle of the day, I was plagued early in life by
the dreaded chocolate hearts of elementary school.
These were no simple candy treat. Oh, no. These giant,
heart-shaped mounds of chocolate on little white sticks of stress were like
mafia protection payoffs.
Every student had to purchase one for the sweetheart or
crush of their choice and hope, pray and sweat that they would get one in
return as well. The prices always seemed too high, but maybe that was the first
sign of the economy crisis – all that for a big chunk of chocolate on a stick?
Still, having a chocolate heart in your hand at the end of
the day prevented any ridicule or embarrassment. It was worth any price in the
critical years before middle school.
The hearts themselves were delivered room to room, so there
was no way to escape the truth if you didn’t get one. Sure, a rare few
delivered the hearts to their main squeezes at lunch or in the public spotlight
waiting for the buses, but that was a bold and far braver breed of Don Juan. I
promise you.
When I was in the fifth grade, it just so happened that I
did, in fact, get a chocolate heart and send a chocolate heart, but my signals
must have been crossed – as I’m sure they still are frequently to this day –
and I received a heart from a different girl than the one who got mine.
Now, being a gentleman at heart and under a parental and
sisterly consult, I was advised that the proper thing to do was to return the
favor by buying a second heart for this other girl even if my first and true
chocolate heart didn’t reciprocate the feelings.
As a side note here, “feelings” to a fifth-grader is a broad
term used to describe “likelihood I would want to hold hands and/or get
cooties.”
Under this sage-like advice, I purchased a second heart, ran
from the enforcers waiting to break my arms and legs if I didn’t pay up and
delivered it in-person after school to my original gifter, who shall remain
nameless for her own protection.
It was a sweet gesture, some might say, but apparently, in
the stressful rush of the forced fifth-grade holiday, she thought I was
returning her heart to her in some sort of foolish surrender. Rather than any
sort of “thank you” or even a smile, what I got was a lump on my head –
inflicted by chocolate.
Thus, I learned a hard lesson: Never arm a woman on
Valentine’s Day.
It’s a good rule for any holiday really. I think it’s one of
the bright sides to jewelry. Gold and silver trinkets may carry a heavy price
tag, but the prick of an earring or swat of a chain can do very little damage.
Those men who buy their wives power tools or appliances as
gifts on these holidays are just pushing their luck.
Jacob Sloan can be reached at jsloan@neighborsgo.com.
(more)
DART|
All
Most Recent Comments